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Lord Roy. It has a certain ring to it, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Well I think so, and now reading about Cameron’s latest honours list, I realise that to ensure my enoblement, I need to give a biggish wad to the conservative party.

To be frank, I’m going to need your help. As a chancer and spendthrift waster, I haven’t got a big enough stash just now – but that’s no big deal. If you agree that my presence would improve the House of Lords, perhaps you’ll help me crowd-fund my donation so that I can take my rightful place among my peers.

What about it?

You probably already give sums of money to various good causes, so here’s a chance to give some to a cause that will pay back. If you can afford a ton, I guarantee to make your name part of my maiden speech in the Chamber. A snip for £100, I’m sure you’ll agree.

If you can stretch to a bag (1,000 to you plebs), just let me know your favourite scam – buy-to-let, cheaper loans, immunity from prosecution, escort connections, cheap cocaine, kiddy-fiddling – and I’ll make sure you’re accommodated by my new friends.

If you could manage a plum, I’ll make sure your name finds its way onto the list for the next round of honours, by hook or by crook.

What do you say? How can we lose? They’re already flogging these upgrades, all we need do is buy a wee peerage for me to get our foot in the door. Someone has to make the first sacrifice.

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